As your birthday rolls around another year while you are not here to celebrate with us. I can’t help but wonder, if you hadn’t left us where would you be. How far would your career have gone with your talent under your belt. Traveling the world, creating art through comic con? Maybe not…maybe, just maybe you’re out there showing the new generation how powerful the hunger can become. I know that regardless of where you would be, right now you reside in my heart. I miss you Eli.
It feels as though sometimes I hate who I am.
I like how I write, expressing my feelings through words. Telling a story that everyone can follow along.
I like how I touch people. Not as deeply as I would like, but I know I leave lasting impressions that make people always want to be around me.
What I hate is this vision on the perfect boy. Beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes. A smile that can make any persons sadness disappear. I created this fictional person, who owns a business and dresses nice. This person with fancy suits who works out and is a jack of all trades. I despise this person, with an amazing eye for photography and the vocabulary only matched to an intellect from Harvard. I want to be him so bad but I can’t be him. I can’t because I am the opposite. I see an ugly human being in the mirror who looks disgusting. I see a person who doesn’t deserve to be called a photographer, an individual who can’t figure out his career and is worthless. Sometimes I feel he should have gone to the military so not to bother everyone around him. Or maybe he should have ended up in jail where he could go rot with no dreams. Why do I end up looking at myself through this mirror. Hating who I see on the other side. How dare he compare himself to this fictional character that doesn’t exist. How can he continue to push for greatness when he makes greatness unobtainable by any means necessary.
As an artist I fail
As a parent I fail
As a husband I fail
As a brother I fail
As I son I fail.
So what am I really good for if all I do is take up space in this world. Take up resources that can be given to someone who DESERVES. I hate that person. I wish he could be happy, but it seems I continue to drown in my hatred…for myself.
We all go through loss at least once in our lifetime, right? The difficulties of the realization that we are all born with the promise of death. I sit in a dark place, mourning the loss of my sister. Years of fighting Triple-Negative breast cancer, some might say she finally “lost her battle”. I disagree.
As she fought the valiant fight, she never lost in my eye. When people pass away, most go on & on about how amazing the person was. For my sister, these statements do not give her justice. A humble human being that lived her life exploding with energy that was transmitted into every individual she came across. Saying that she changed peoples lives for the better is an understatement.
During devastating heartbreaks, you can come down with takotsubo cardiomyopathy, also know as “Broken Heart Syndrome”. Imagine your heart being a candle, burning bright with a fire that lights up your soul. As this grief takes over, it covers the fire, cutting off oxygen as to let it die slowly. All the while, you feel shortness of breath from the lack of oxygen as you feel trapped… Trapped that no matter what you do, it cannot & will no change anything.
She is gone…Realistically her legacy continues as she changed the hearts of many. Social media consumed by hundreds & thousands of comments & post from the many that miss her. I even asked God if it was wrong to wish it was me over her… I miss her. Not because I am not physically with her, as she always lived far. I miss her, as I no longer feel her presence on this plane. I feel desperate to be half of the person she was. What will I leave behind? What can I offer this world? When will my fire be able; to breath once more…
Some view success as having expensive clothes, cars & wads of money. The self fulfilling profit that you are better than the next because you have “better” things. When did society take such a pivotal turn that our worth is defined by what we show off. This isn’t some new phenomenon that happened overnight, the difference however is how easily accessible the lives of the world are broadcasted on social media.
If your view sounds similar to this than a re-evaluation of priorities are in order. So many have become lost in a world filled with technology, but I refuse. Consider me broke because my family is MY success. The happiness of being together, not the fancy cars nor the Yeezy’s, will ever compare.
It seems that every individual has a year that changes their lives. This doesn’t mean it will be one year in your lifetime, but a few years that can be jumbled all together or spread out. I call this year, the age of finding your happiness.
You can look around & see everyone happy. Happy with going out & partying, happy with new clothes & cars. Satisfied by materialistic items, conforming to what society has made them believe makes them unique. Ironically fitting everyone in a category of overpriced cotton shirts & temporary satisfaction of themselves.
Press pause, freeze frame & step out of the box for just a moment; what do you see? Where are the tangible memories that create the better tomorrow. Where do you find the “happiness”. Are any of us truly happy? Looking at this picture that becomes a meaningless moment in your life, you contemplate where you could have done better. Speculating the steps that could have taken the “right” path (Is there a right path).
As you tell yourself “you have time, take a breath, you can be better, be stronger”, you are simultaneously battling the subconscious “why are you failure, you suck, stop trying, you will never be enough.”
Moments in life change us, destroy us & grow us. From the ashes the Phoenix reborn with new purpose. Friends grow apart, you meet new people, mistakes are made, people get sick, some pass away. These things do not define you, however, how you handle them & continue growing as a person does. Overcoming what can feel as an emotional prison within your own head & finally seeing the path to your own road to happiness…
After a hiatus from blogs & social expressions that last longer than 15 seconds, I have come to a point in my life that I feel as if it is necessary to speak out. Now 28, I am still discovering many things about myself. Since my last debut on a blog I have had 2 kids, started going to college (not for everyone I might add) & have become a leader in my field of work.
What better way to reunite on Friday the 13th during one of the most difficult times in my life. Please, come down this path with me.
Most of us wake up every morning making a major decision that will alter our entire day. Simply put, we either open the shades to allow the light to wrap around us or we choose to close our eyes & be unhappy with the world. Most choose the easy road & just allow the negative to take over, however the handful that choose opposite change everyone around them.
The epitome of an optimistic is someone by the name of Dorianny Estrella. Battling stage four breast cancer for the past few years, it has not been a small task to wake up smiling and enjoying life for herself & her family.
With Zumba by her side, she has been able to touch thousands of people around her. Reminding everyone, that every moment is worth treasuring. I am proud to call her, my sister.
I have always had an attraction to pictures. The quality, the angle, the memories that come with a photograph. A moment, frozen in time that has been captured forever.
With the power to take something so meaningful, why would I take that talent and throw it away? Instead, I am here to share my artwork with the world & to hopefully change someones life by either inspiring them to be better or help someone.